Welcome, listeners, to a brand new episode of “A Season of Me Stories.” In today’s captivating installment, titled “People Pleasing & Perfectionism,” our host Heidi Kleine delves into the complex world of the two captivating topics. Heidi shares personal insights and recent revelations she has had surrounding the connection between people pleasing and perfectionism, all sparked by a thought-provoking conversation with her youngest daughter. Together, they explore the definitions of people pleasing and perfectionism, discussing the pitfalls and strengths associated with these behaviors. Heidi also reflects on how society’s expectations and societal norms contribute to the prevalence of people pleasing and our unattainable pursuit of perfectionism. Drawing inspiration from two remarkable speakers she encountered at a recent conference, Heidi encourages listeners to embrace their imperfections and courageously share their true selves with the world. With her trademark warmth and wisdom, Heidi leaves us with a powerful message: now is the time to bravely embark on our own seasons of discovery, regardless of perfection’s elusive grasp. So sit back, relax, and let’s embark on a transformative journey of self-reflection and self-acceptance together. Welcome to “A Season of Me Stories”!
Episode Transcript:
Heidi Kleine:
Greetings, my friends, and welcome to episode 4 of season 4 of a season of May’s stories. I am here today to talk to you about all things people pleasing and perfectionism. So recently, I have been thinking a lot about people pleasing imperfectionism. And I have said for years that my sort of biggest Dumbling block is people pleasing. And the entire Seasons of Me program that I created is really around strategies related to the things that I found that helped me be less inclined to fall into the habits of people pleasing. And I want to share with you some of the insights that I have recently gained around the connection Between People Pleasing and Perfectionism. So this actually kind of all started, when I was on a family trip, we were, and I say trip, not a vacation. Right? This was a time when we were, moving one of my children.
Heidi Kleine:
So lots of details and activities. And I was, we were trying to make some decisions, and I found myself falling back into some of the traps around people pleasing. And my youngest daughter, who frequently has really good insights, Said to me, you know, mom, sometimes we tell you to tell us what you want. And you tell us what you think we think and what we want instead of actually being honest about what you want. And then you get mad at us when the situation goes a different direction than what you actually had wanted. And I was like, oh, ouch. You know what? That’s actually true and incredibly insightful. As a confessed people pleaser, I do find myself, noticing that habit.
Heidi Kleine:
And so just to sort of define terms a little bit, you know, what is people pleasing? Right? People pleasing is when you are attempting to gain acceptance or connection or affection or, status in any given situation by pleasing or rescuing or, taking care of people. And people who are prone to this often sort of lose sight of their own needs. Sometimes, we have don’t even recognize our own needs in the equation. And there’s always a strength connected with any of these things that are negative. Right? So a people pleaser is also somebody who really cares for other people. And it matters to them what their opinions are. And so I think we have to be careful when we’re talking about things like this, about dwelling too much in the negatives. But we also have to recognize when the kind of activities we’re talking about our actually getting in the way of our relationships or in a given situation.
Heidi Kleine:
And we have a society that steeps our young people In this behavior, it particularly steeps our young females into this idea that It is their job to keep the people around them happy to, you know, be nice girls. And, one of the biggest fights I ever had with my husband around parenting, came around the term, being sweet, saying to our daughters that they should be sweet, which was something I really felt strongly. We want Kind, compassionate children, but being sweet, being nice sometimes falls into this encouragement of people pleasing that Our society talks a lot about and sort of the lie that people pleasers are telling themselves is that, that they’re doing this for everyone else And that they’re, that people it will make people like them more. But in reality, People pleasing tends to erode trust and make people feel like they can’t, That you’re not being authentic, that you’re not being true to them. It sort of erodes that respect. One of the other lies that people pleasers are telling themselves is that they’re protecting themselves from rejection. And all of those thoughts about people pleasing have been sort of rumbling around in my mind. And I went to a conference, conference in Raleigh.
Heidi Kleine:
It was called the Thriving Women’s Conference this week. There were 2 speakers who both were talking about perfectionism. And I was struck how that sort of triggered these thoughts about people pleasing for me. And so I started to think a little bit about what is the connection between people pleasing and perfectionism. And there was, one of the speakers, her name was Bianca Hughes, said Perfectionism is a belief that other people have the power to determine whether you are good enough. And I just found myself sitting with that comment in thinking about how that tendency towards people pleasing also fits into that. Right? It’s a belief that what you are doing for other People makes you worthy of their, their respect, of their, trust in you. It’s kind of tied to this idea that What is acceptable is determined by someone outside of us.
Heidi Kleine:
And, again, When you think about the way that we educate our children, there’s there’s everything’s always black and white. There’s always a right answer and a wrong answer. We actually tend to, you know, want kids to sit in rows, and there’s this sort of narrative that that perfection is even a thing to be tried for, right, that we are trying to achieve. Perfectionists, like people pleasers, tend to feel like it’s up to them to fix the things, the problems in the world That it’s, their responsibility, and it can cause a lot of anxiety and frustration. It causes resignation in others. It makes us feel, Criticize like like, we can never do enough, as as Bianca said, that we’re not quite good enough. And I I also like to think when we’re Hesitant to put our things out in the world when we don’t want to, Share the thought that we’re having or, record the podcast, because we’re waiting for something to be perfect. It actually implies that perfection is achievable.
Heidi Kleine:
I often say, if you find a mistake in my work, That’s just my way of telling you that your work is worth putting out into the world, whether it’s perfect or not. Imperfections give other people permission to make mistakes. And, I think that is actually very permission giving. Right? So we can say to people that you can be imperfect, and I’m not going to reject you. You can be imperfect and still be good enough. Right? And so, one of the other speakers at the conference, Taryn Jarvey, was talking about the need for you to decide that Your goal, your mission, your purpose, whatever it is you feel called to put out into the world is more important than your imperfections. Putting it out there as it is in its imperfect Reality might actually be the perfect thing for the person who needs the thing that you’re offering, for the person who needs to hear the podcast whether it’s perfect or not, for the person who needs to be invited to the coaching program or the work shopper or the read the book that you are thinking you’re going to write. Whatever it is, that mission, that goal, that purpose that’s driving you needs to be more important than your need to be perfect, than your need to feel like you’re good enough.
Heidi Kleine:
And she actually uses the phrase that perfectionism is fear in a costume. And I thought that that was such a of fun way of looking at it. Right? This it’s this fear of putting yourself out there that we sort of wrap up in. If it’s not perfect, then I have an excuse not to put it out there. Right? It gives me the reason that I’m not doing it. And it’s not because of something I can control. Right, that I’m waiting for this perfectionism. There’s this perfect moment, this perfect reality.
Heidi Kleine:
And that’s just postponing our opportunity to serve our opportunity to be present for the people who need us to be there for them. And so it just really been an interesting week for me as I’ve been thinking about these things that have occurred, as I’ve been thinking about the idea of people pleasing and what that really does in the world and about this need to be perfect and where these messages come from. You know, I really want to encourage you to take your call, take your goal, take your mission, and put it out there in the world as imperfect as it may be. The world is waiting to hear your story, to join you in whatever it is you need to do. And now is the time to do it. It’s the time to go ahead and say, this is going to be my season my season 2 to do the thing whether it’s perfect or not. And I’m just gonna put it out there. And so that’s my challenge to you.
Heidi Kleine:
Ask yourself some questions. Are you falling into people pleasing behaviors? Do you actually want the things that you’re you’re claiming? Are you actually stepping into the spaces where you need to make your needs known? And are you being honest with people around you? And are you being tripped up by perfectionism? Are you willing to take the risk of putting yourself out there without protecting yourself from that fear of rejection and really going all in on your dream? If you are if you want some help, if you want some ideas about how you can address some of these patterns and behaviors. Check out a season of me. I would be really, excited to have you join us as we explore all of these, Ways that we can work on being less people pleasing and less perfectionist stick in our, methods of putting ourselves out there into the world. I hope you have a great week.